What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 16:38
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Put me off passion for life!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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She loved him until the end.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Is Taylor Swift actually a nice person?
So whats the point in blame.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was 9 years of age.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was very sick at this time too.
What is the most ridiculous obviously false verse in the Bible?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Will you share your wife? Can she take both of us at the same time?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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All the time i was locked up.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Have you ever had a bad gut feeling about someone and it was right?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When she asked me how she looked .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot live in the past .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I don,t even have a pension.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I said to her
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Would this be the day?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She married twice! .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He knew the spot.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I write beautiful poetry .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was seconnd youngest,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She found it foreign!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I could never make a relationship work though!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
(And it was in our own minds.)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I will be 64.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I waited trembling.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My life is so biszare .
She wouldn,t have been !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Who then, do I blame.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Was to survive, this bastard.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were not on the streets..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So, i spoilt her more .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I have no regrets .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It was going to be , some day.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was in good health!
Im still living with it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was scared of men, in general
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is soul school!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i lived it daily.